Grrr.

Ok, so what I thought was going to happen, didnt happen, so I have nothing to blog about. Instead I am going to go on a blogabout, and if I find anything of interest I am going to come back and make note of it. I should note though, that the greatest recipe around is posted on a wonderful Vancouverite's site. She is as sexy as her recipe, and that means something coming from picky me. (I am picky with my recipes, less so with my women smart ass!)

Anyhow, go visit her site, read it, enjoy her use of the english language, and study her treatment of men. You women can learn a lot from her, you men out there, keep dreaming. If you dream it, you can achieve it, and she is proof they are out there! DREAM

Tonight should be good.

I am sort of looking forward to it. I should have something good to post this evening. Or at least something that will be of interest. Mind you, at the end of the day, maybe I will have nothing at all.

Stupid nothing anyways....

Oh yeah, I made a woman cry yesterday. Sometimes it feels good when that happens. Muhahahahahah I can be so evil at work when I need to be.

I am calling it now...

It is 3-2 the Canucks are losing. I am calling this one, and this season over. Perhaps I will have the joy of saying I was wrong, but I think the playoffs are done and gone now.

I think my little Ducks are going to get in though. I love Brian Burke. The guy is a genius.

Oh, that stupid eagle thing just really pissed me off. I thought it was live, but nooooo its dark out right now, how can I still see the eagle? Thats right...it is called the magic of bullshit.

Oh well, as George Bush would say..."There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."

Oh Georgie, you make me giggle

Newest Addiction...

Can't stop watching....must eat food....don't want to miss a thing....dammit you silly eagle, why do you taunt me so!?!?

Wowsers!

My back is buggered. It really is. It is in constant chronic pain, and has been for about 10 years. It is probably a direct result of jumping off the second story patio to impress the ladies. I distinctly remember the compression in my spine the first time I jumped off. It was the second and final time that really set the pain into motion. It lasted for a few weeks, but then disappeared. It left me for a while, and returned one day while on the soccer field. It was a moderate pain, obvious, but not incapacitating. It grew, and grew over the weeks, and got to the point where I was playing soccer in significant pain, it was limiting my speed, and my shooting ability. I was still better then most people on the team at 75% so I played through it. Then it all went downhill. I ended up in bed for days unable to move. The pain could be comapred to the feeling of having a hot steel rod slammed into your back and left there to burn the insides til they could only feel the most intense pain known to man. It was great fun.

Now the pain comes and goes. Pain is now judged by its intensity. When I say the pain is not there, it really means that the pain is bearable. It is still there. It always has been. There was a day or two where I woke up with no pain at all. Zero. It was an amazing day. It was short lived.

So now my boss is going to give me the name of a acupunturist. She apparently knows him, and he apparently works on the Vancouver Canucks. I guess it is good when your boss is so loaded she knows the important people of the community. Anyhow, if it works, I will be forever indebted. When it doesnt I will get to say I told you so.

Ok, so I had another orally fixated dream. What gives?

I want to buy two shirts for my baby. "Now that I am clear, I'm Pro-Choice" and "I am cuter then Baby Jesus"

Sure, I am going to hell for that. I have done worse in life, and am going to hell for that, so this is just another tick on the chart.

Karma is a great thing. I have truly moved the Karma cursor over to the positive side the last few days. I am sure something is going to occur to get me back to my obligatory neutrality I so crave.

I had nothing to say. Yet the need to say something. Sorry about this one!

The more I learn, the less I seem to know.

What the hell is a receiving blanket? What does it receive exactly? What do you do with it. Why is swaddling no longer an acceptable Western tradition? Why does a baby have to be put on its back if it can roll over? Do these gimmicky toy things work? How the hell are you supposed to differentiate between an "I shit myself" from a "Gimme the teet" cry? (aside from the obvious dumbass!!)

Wow, that is just the tip of the iceberg....Im fawked!

Why is Bon Jovi singing country duets?

Why is Stephen Harper creating a dictatorship?

Why does it cost 75K to run for leader of the stinking Liberals?

Yeah, anyhow, on another tangent. I was almost side swiped by a car full of teen punks. Two of them were larger then I, and the third was a long haired hippy sack of shit. The hippy was driving. Anyhow, they were driving like asswipes, almost hit me, and it happened. I got that "Corrections Officer, Im gonna fucking kill you" look. I used to get that when I worked in the prison and I got REALLY pissed. I had inmates tell me that they were afraid of me. Because they figured they could kick my ass but when I got that look in my eye, it was a crazed look, and they didnt want to fuck with me.
It seems the kids saw that. Because they were afraid of me screaming out my window at them. Here is the 32 year old guy yelling at these kids about learning how to drive if they are gonna take out Daddy's car. They didnt seem too interested in engaging me in future conversations while driving so I went to Nando's and had lunch. I had to chuckle, because as the adrenaline was coming down, I thought to myself....Man it would have been great to have my hispanic midget with me. Thats when it hit me. I need a superhero hispanic midget! That would be awesome! Sidekick extrordinaire!

I am going to search for the website that allows me to create a sidekick for my blog. One day you will see Tito, or Jorge, or Rodrigo posted here.

Just a thought...but if we put half the resources we pour into Afghanistan, and put them into low income housing and job trainging for the homeless. Wouldn't we have a model society to parade about the international stage, and actually have something to show the people of Afghanistan. A model for proper living. Meh, just a thought. Fuck helping ourselves when we can spend way more helping those that don't want us there! That is going to make a great rallying cry someday....

Fuck helping ourselves! Fuck helping ourselves!

George Bush you ignorant slut...

According to the news it would appear that George Bush, the fucking President of the United States, is upset that Jessica Simpson did not want to appear at a Republican fundraiser.

I am going to pause for a moment here.....I just want you to think about that. Take a few seconds. I can wait........


The President of the United States who has a HISTORICAL ALL TIME LOW approval rating in his country over his handling of Iraq, Katrina, the economy and foreign policy is actually pissed because she didn't show up. 67% of all Americans feel that George is not doing a good job. I am going to hazard a guess here, that somehow in the deep recesses of his mind, George figured if he could only just be seen with Jessica that somehow his star would turn just as Nicks did. That if only he could hitch his wagon to that sweet looking pony, he would pull his sorry ass out of the gutter, and rise to the ranks of Reagan or Clinton. Sorry George, it is going to take a hell of a lot more then just partying with Jessica. You need to actually come up with something of substance. Take a look at little Nick now, where is he? He is trying to make ends meet, and contemplating pimping himself to the soap operas. That is an idea though George. You could take a run on General Hospital. They haven't had a great villian since Lucy Coe. You could fill the role nicely with your silly laugh, and moderately retarded thought processes.

I have to love now how the Republican Party is making this an issue. The even funnier part is how 50% of Americans will be distracted by this issue, while more Americans come home in body bags during this new offensive that was just launched today. Ooops, sorry guys, I wasn't supposed to mention that. It's ok they probably didn't notice. Most people are still looking at Jessica thinking how pretty she is, and how she just doesn't seem to have the brains to succeed. Wait a minute....isn't that what everyone said about George Jr? Give it 30 years. We may be calling her Mrs. President Simpson! Maybe the Republicans do know something after all.

Some religious nuts get to me....

Pat Robertson. Please. Please. Please. I beg of you. Please do the world a favor, and terminate your existance. Your perpetual ignorance that you spew only makes me angry. To call for the assasination of foreign heads of state, to make statements that Islam is about world domination, and to make statements regarding that fact that god will not help people because they voted NOT to include teaching a bastardized version of your biblical theories. I am amazed that you have not been brought up on hate crime charges. You can hide behind your veil of religion but what you preach is hate. It saddens me. I am going to now stoop to your level.

I call upon the religious right that have integrity to take up the challenge and question Pat Robertson. Call upon his moral authority to judge. Following someone like Pat Robertson will lead to eternal damnation. I would like to make a completely incorrect statement at this point. Only one person has heard me say it, and being the non-religious man I am, I am going to.......yeah....I am going to refrain. Not out of good taste, but out of fear it may come up in a political campaign later in life.

Oh, Chef. While you call upon someone to suck on your chocolate salty balls, and stand by while all other religions and backgrounds are mocked, I hope you realize that you my friend are a hypocrite. You, and Tom Cruise can stand on your island, declare your love to Katie Holmes, and wait for your spaceship to take you to your other planet. I still think you like boys Tom. No matter what Chef says now. Last time I recall though, he was standing there asking you to come out of the closet too though.

Katie, if you want a real man call me. I have no problem having sex with pregnant women, I find them to be rather hot actually....

Oh no, I 've said too much.....I haven't said enough.

Hispanic Midgets.

or are they little people? I do not know the terminology, but the they are invading my dreams. I am beginning to feel worried.


Ok, so for my job, I have to go to peoples houses, and basically collect money. I am an evil man. I know, and I live with that. However today, I go to a guys place, and his VERY attractive 19 year old daughter answers the door wearing little shorts and a little half shirt camisole thingy as she got out of bed to answer the door....now this throws me, but I maintain my composure and ask for the guy I am looking for. This jerk comes to the door, invites me in, and keeps asking his daughter stuff so she has to come over. I have to look at this while I am trying to work. I am having visions of a Seinfeld episode occuring, so I had to basically leave empty handed, or risk losing my job for gawking. I think he did it on purpose. Who knows.

I am going back for a cheque tomorrow...and Thursday...and maybe Saturday night!

The grind.

Some days take less but most days take more.....Tomorrow is going to be one of those more days. I don't have anything to back that up, that is just how I am feeling right now. I should be sleeping, but I am partly too lazy to go upstairs, and partly enjoying the dark quiet of the house.

Maybe I am just bummed because the 'nucks lost AGAIN. Fucking Modano.

As of today, I officially have a business name and number. If this all plays out according to plan, I should be making substantial money, however, it is more likely that I am going to end up not making a god damned cent because the big bastard retailers will push me out of the way. Oh well, it is better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all????? Fuck that, I hate failing. I used to be one who wouldn't bother trying because I might fail. It is starting to dawn on me that the attitude has probably kept me from gaining certain levels of personal greatness. No more bullshit. Nike has given me the motto, and I am goint to Just Do It.

So I had this dream....it was wierd, it involved me being a midget, with a buddy who was a hispanic midget, travelling the country while John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted filmed a documentary about us. We were trying to vandalize a train, as all midgets do, and we saw these two hot midgets, so we decided to go score....well as luck would have it, they drew us into a trap, and some confederate soldiers...yes...US Civil War confederate fucking soldiers caught us in a fenced area and killed my spanish midget buddy. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I blame John Walsh for not helping him.

Shortly after that dream, I dreamt I was having sex with this Penthouse model. Which got me thinking.....Why didnt I have sex with a Penthouse model when I was single....and it hit me. I am not in that league. Now don't get me wrong, I have had sex with some beautiful women. Dare I even say spectacular in their own right, but never a full on EVERYBODY loves hot chick. I currently have a very beautiful woman. No arguments there. I have had sex with a few very attractive women. No arguments there, but shouldn't a man have a insanely hot 10 outta 10 hot chick? Then I got to thinking....what fucking difference would it make. For all intents and purposes they all have the same parts, they all can do the same thing, whats the difference? You know what it is....it is all about bragging. Yet, I don't brag anyhow. I kid, I joke, I make fun of my past transgressions but I dont brag. So it wouldnt have done me any good. So...to all the beautiful women I have had in the past. You should be forwarned, I am TOTALLY going to start bragging about you. You are hot, I deserve the credit for bagging you!

Now back to the more loveable me....I have thoughts and feelings. I even sometimes am able to talk about them or write them down.

I am going to be a Daddy. Not a Dad, not a Father. I am going to be a Daddy. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a Dad, or a Father. I am glad they showed up for those children. My little girl is going to have on hell of a great life. I am going to make damn sure she has everything. If that means working more hours then there are in a day, so be it. However, I am going to be there for every soccer game. Every dance recital. Every Science Fair. Every date! Yeah so you little fuckers better not get any ideas. I know what you guys are like. I will break your damn fingers if you so much as look at my little girl.

Anyhow....I have wasted enough of your time.

I am now going to sleep. Or read blogs. One of the two.

Oddities and Personal Idioms

It has been pointed out to me that I seem to have some sort of oral sex fixation. I ask you that condemn me, IS THAT SO WRONG?!

The fact that I enjoy giving, and receiving. I consider it to be a daily Christmas!

How come Santa doesnt come to my house though?

Why does my nose bleed every night? Is it too dry? A tumor? Am I being assualted in my sleep?

How is it hair is growing in places it never grew before? I am still not feeling the pull to go to my local Pantry restaurant, however, I feel I may just be getting old. That may actually be the answer for all that is wrong with me. I am old.

The body is 32, the mind is still 18, and the sex drive follows the mind. What the hell is wrong with me?

I still shop at Old Navy and Thrifty's. Jebus, I have even glanced and perused items at RAndy River. I find though that I am buying more stuff at Tip Top, and Sears now. It is almost at that point where I put on a funny hat, odd shoes, mismatched socks, and a sweater with patches on the shoulders. I am fighting this getting old thing tooth and nail. Infact, the next CD I buy is going to be Kanye West. Mostly because I like him, but partly because I want to stay hip!

Speaking of hip, now my back is almost better, but my hip is killing me. What gives!?

I should hope I recover enough with my sad little broken body, to be able to play soccer again. I would like to play, and not just talk about playing. It was perhaps the one thing I was really good at. By good I dont mean best kid in school, or best kid in the neighborhood, I mean, I had real skill, talent, and a mind for the game. To the point where if things went my way, I really should have been paid to play. I am not bragging, I just know what I was good at. Now, it is something entirely different. What is it I am good at now you ask? I am going to return to the top of the blog now and start reading again.

Oh...sometimes it isnt so much the skin, as it is our surroundings. When you think it is you, it is generally someone else.

Tomorrow is a new day, with new beggingings.....but I will be at work making old ladies cry, so my fucking Karma is going to be shot to shit!

Invert this!

Yeah I know, inversion isn't the cure all I had hoped it would be. I at least thought it would work.

I got this inversion table for christmas from my caring mother. She thought maybe it would end up helping me with my backpain and sciatic nerve issues. Well, I finally put it together today because of the previously posted back pains.

Well guess what, it all goes together really nicely. I am thinking this is gonna be great! The first lady is upstairs laying down (she has been put on 4 hrs bed rest due to high blood pressure and the possibility of toxemia) and I am watching the hockey game. So I figure it is a good time to get inverted. I go over and back, and am watching the game upside down. I am feeling the gentle pull of gravity working on my back, and am kind of enjoying the sensation of all the blood rushing to my head. I decided to get up now, as my feet are slipping out and I dont want to break my neck. So, I bend my knees a little, and move my arms to my waist...... nothing happens. I am still upside down. So I use all my strength and shimmy up the inversion table. STILL NO TILTING BACK TO NORMAL!!!! I struggle, I pull, I push, I squirm. NOTHING!!!! So now in my desperate state, I call for the first lady.....and I call again...and now I am yelling.....and no response.

So now I am stuck upside down on the verge of passing out, and I already have a slipped disk, so what does one do....I finally realize that I am going to have to slide out of this thing in some way or another, without crashing into the flat screen tv, the gas fireplace, or the large window that leads to a 9 foot fall to the backyard. It turns out, the best option was to roll towards the window, and with a slight twist, a half gainer, and a triple toe loop, I managed to slide down the inversion table, onto the floor, and avoid all the obstacles.

The inversion table is now in the garage, and will be going in the first garage sale, or dumpster. Whichever shows up first.

That was a great 15 minutes of my life.